A European’s Guide to All 50 States

To the casual European observer, the United States in 2025 might look less like a single country and more like a collection of 50 eccentric micro-nations stitched together by highways, fast-food chains, and shared Netflix logins. Each state speaks its own dialect of politics, cuisine, and lunacy. Some cling to the past as if it were a warm blanket; others sprint toward the future with the grace of a toddler learning to walk. Red and blue have replaced north and south as the primary borders — though, depending on who you ask, they’re more like opposing religions.

This is not a travel guide for the faint of heart. It’s a no-holds-barred, equal-opportunity roast of all 50 states, served with a side of truth and a generous helping of sarcasm. Think of it as a Michelin Guide written by someone who’s had one too many bourbons and just got back from a road trip. Satirical, yes — but satire, after all, is just honesty wearing a funny hat.

Alabama
Where the Civil War never quite ended — just moved to Facebook comments.
Football is religion, and Nick Saban is God.
Sex ed is optional, but hunting is required.
Still waiting for the 1960s to fully conclude.
The state motto should be: “We don’t trust science, but we love rocket ships.”